It hasn’t been fun not knowing what’s going on with my knee.  To be honest I have gone through a range of emotions.  I’ve been sad that I can’t get out there and run as far or as fast as I want to, I’ve been jealous of people that ARE able to run far and fast, and I’ve been mad because I feel like it’s been going on for so long.  As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned strategies to help myself cope with grief (I consider the loss of my favorite form of exercise to be grieving for sure), and one of the main things I’ve found that helps me is to try and gain control over something.

I recently got some unfortunate news about a loved one, and one of my ways of coping with that was to organize everything (my clothes, my private practice, my kitchen, etc.).  I realized that I couldn’t control what was going on with my family member, so I would try and control the things that I could.  So yes, I found that ‘controlling’ something helps; although, I also know that it’s my brains way of ‘tricking’ myself into thinking I’m okay.  Well, I’m pretty smart, and you can only trick yourself for so long (I also did this after going through a break up, I decided to go on a bunch of dates to ‘trick’ myself into feeling better, but this strategy can’t last forever).  I now know that there’s no ‘right’ way to grieve, it’s going to be hard, but accepting that it doesn’t feel good and that it’s okay for it not to feel good is the first step.

I’m really really sad about my knee guys.  I don’t want to be 50 and not able to run a mile because I kept abusing an injury.  After 1.5 years of an uncomfortable feeling in my knee (most likely due to a soccer injury) and .5 of that time span spent in PT, I decided to accept that something is wrong and try to fix it.  On Monday I had an x-ray and they weren’t able to find anything, Tuesday I had an MRI and I will get the results from that on Monday.  It may be runners knee, it may be a cartilage tear, or any number of other things.  No matter what it is, I will likely be taking a break from running for a while.  I’m excited to try more swimming, biking, and strength training options; however, I know that for me acknowledging that it’s an upsetting situation and there’s nothing wrong with being sad is the first step to recovery.

Be well.

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